humming along

Remember this feeling

2012-01-30T21:13:00.000-08:00

january air flooding in between two windows rolled down,

that song on the radio that makes you cry, and

your heart full of goodness

On Faithfulness

2012-01-04T07:40:00.001-08:00

Part One:

My good friend Rudy made a comment to me the other day as I was exhuberantly rejoicing over a job offer I had received. He said something like, "Hey, you shouldn't get so excited--because then when something goes wrong, you'll swing completely the other way and get depressed. I do that to myself all the time."

I do that to myself all the time!

I think I am in love with the experience of emotion. Some part of me feels fully alive when I experience strong emotion. However, I have heard wise words to the same effect from sources other than Rudy. And though the experience of joy and sorrow is part of being fully human, I would like to be more faithful and steady in my emotional life. It's important for my sanity, my joy, and that of the folks around me.

Part Two:

I took a silent retreat two weeks back, and my first hour there, the very first thing I heard the Lord speaking was about God's faithfulness. I heard the words "the earth will expire before my love for you runs out." That's a picture of both the magnitude and the constancy of the love of the Spirit of God. It strikes me as a really unique thing that God is faithful, because I often doubt love's faithfulness. I think my autopilot mode tells me that love will run out as soon as I do something that warrants punishment. It is encouraging to me that the Spirit of God operates in a way contrary to the world's system of reward and punishment.

Loved is part of who I am. It's part of my identity, and yours. Though we do things that cause the Spirit of God to experience grief, God's love never runs out on us.

God is patient with our absurd lives. Henry Nouwen writes that the word "absurd" has its root in the latin word for "deaf." Living an absurd life is living in a way that is deaf to God, not listening. God is patient with our absurd lives.

The love of the Spirit of God is strong enough that we can shift around in it and it flexes, but doesn't break. God's love is big enough that we can run around in it without reaching the end of it. We can make mistakes, and trip up, and even receive discipline, but we haven't moved outside of it.

God is not a delicate God, to be easily offended and withdraw when I've hurt him. God is resilient, persevering, faithful. God does what is necessary, as much as it depends on her, to create peace between us.

This is real faithfulness, and an example I want to learn from. How can I be faithful in loving myself, even when I make mistakes? How can I be faithful in loving others, and God, even when I feel hurt by them? There is a lot of room for my heart to grow in faithfulness. Make it so!

Addiction

2012-01-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

Increasingly, in recent months, I have noticed my addiction to sugar.

Sometimes I will rove through the kitchen, looking for whatever we have that is sweet. In the afternoons, I'll crave a cup of coffee--not for the caffeine, but for the sugar.

I started to notice it in a big way when my friend Danny introduced me to a calorie counting app for the iPhone. Most days, I would have 40%, sometimes 60% more sugar than the plan allowed for. That's when I knew for certain I had a problem.

I decided that I wanted to go the first six weeks of 2012 without eating sugary foods. I think my body has space for the sugars that are naturally found in healthy foods like carrots, sweet peppers, apples and pears, and even the sugar in breads and things. But I'm running towards ruin if I load up my diet with those, and then add things like donuts, reese's peanut butter cups, soda, wine, yogurt, and fruit juice. I don't want to get diabetes. I don't want to be overweight. I want to feel energetic every day. I want to care for my body and love it well.

And I have failed at this commitment the last two days, right off the bat.

Yesterday I felt so low.

For some reason, there have been two platefuls of dounts and muffins on our kitchen counter the past two days, and I've eaten something off of them each day. Consciously. This is how bad it got: I convinced myself that a muffin isn't a sugary treat. I told myself it is a food item that most normal folks would eat for breakfast. But here's the thing: it's a muffin made by a donut shop. And it tasted like cake. I'm fooling myself! And that's just it--I told myself lies, and then I believed them. What is it about this food item that's got me destroying my integrity, deceiving myself and others, and causing me to act contrary to who I say I want to be?

It's a crazy complex.

I don't understand biologically what's going on, but I know that I have room to grow in integrity, and specifically in faithfulness.

I talked to some folks in my small group about it last night, and they were encouraging. Change is about making a decision, at every turn, to stay the course. I can't make just one decision to not eat sugar, and expect that will last me for the next 6 weeks. Because I will be presented with that choice again and again. Can I be faithful and consistent at each decision point, to decide the same way each time?

I feel like I have worked through a fair amount of emotional struggles in my adult life, and come out healthier on the other side. But for some reason FOOD is a sticking point for me. I don't know what's got me so attached to it. I know Oprah has presented shows about "emotional eating," and I'm interested in learning more about that. Each of us relates to food in some way or another. I honestly simply want food to not be such a big deal to me. I want to not think about it so much. And when I do, I don't want to be driven by addiction. I want to make choices out of rationale, I want to make choices out of joy.

pulling out this dusty old blog

2011-12-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to blog again.

Tonight I want to write about this:

I picked up a seasonal job at Macy's.

I've been working there for about a month now, and I'm about ready to be done with it.

I've got a little more in me, but not much!

I'm slightly inspired and slightly made nauseous by my co-workers. The ones that seem eager to help a customer, who seem joyful to be working at Macy's. It's as if they've bought into the holiday "magic of Macy's." Miracle on 34th Street stuff. It felt that way to me, my first few weeks working at the largest department store on earth. The classic christmas tunes, seasonal decor, and beautiful clothing inspire just a bit of holiday cheer.

But lately, I'm lifting the panache, scratching the veneer, and coming to an understanding of how awful the business of retail is. Clothes come in, go on sale 2 or 3 weeks after they arrive, so they can get sold and make room for even newer items. The whole process is based on social trend, rather than need. And the social trends are created by what manufacturers put in stores. Put it out there, and Americans will feel like they have to have it.

It turns my stomach.

I want the doors of our homes to be opened, and our excess to come pouring out, then be whisked away to people and places that are truly in need of the items.

I'm so much more motivated to finish college just so I don't have to work a job like Macy's my whole life. Working there, I'm helping turn the cogs of the empire and it feels evil. But all along I'm learning about how I do and don't want to live. I can't say there hasn't been some good to come out of it.

st paul, somalisota

2009-10-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

i had an incredibly unique experience at the Shirelle's this afternoon.

the Shirelle's are a Somali family that live in Skyline Towers, a highrise apartment building near my house. the Shirelle's come to SALT (Somali Adult Literacy Training) to learn english. i met them there, and have recently come to have closer relationship with them through my dear sister sarah.

sarah and i headed to the high rise this afternoon and were greeted at the door by Fadumo, one of the sisters we went to visit. in their apartment, the first thing i noticed was a u-shaped, module couch. it seats about 12 people, from the look of it. the seats, backs, and armrests all come apart and can be rearranged to fit the shape of any room. they also have striking window dressings: sheer, golden, leaf-patterned fabric layered over heavy orange curtains, very bright and fluid. on the walls, there are tapestries with arab writing. i later learned that these tapestries display the 99 names for allah.

Sarah, Fadumo, and I took seats on the warmly inviting couch and talked about school and Somalia and our families. eventually Fadumo's sister came home with her husband. we chatted with them for a bit and had some tea. we laughed over differences between somali and english and learned a little more about the somali culture. towards the end of our visit, Amino (Fadumo's sister) prepared dinner, and we ate with them and watched an amusing Indian sitcom on the tv. though conversation did not come easily at times, i am aware that this is a burgeoning friendship, and i feel a commitment to continue the visits.

i am fascinated by their way of life! fascinated by all the ways it is different than mine. i have been greeted so warmly by somalis who are strangers to me! i have observed the incredible hospitality that is characteristic of the culture. the warm colors and traditional clothing hold a certain romance for me. i imagine what it would be like to have roots in that culture. i want to feel at home with other people in the way that they seem to. i want to be part of a big family that is devoted to and cares for one another. it contrasts the hands-off, head-down family environment that is so familiar to american culture.

it seems, however, that each people group experiences its heartbreak and pain. the effects of suffering through civil war are subtle, yet evident in my interactions with somali people.

other observations sadden me. in adherence to their muslim faith, there is much separation between genders. muslims are called to a fairly strict set of rules, and there is much homogeny in the culture--not a lot of space for new or fresh ideas. i am learning more about them with each encounter.

it occurs to me that this is one of the reasons i am in this neighborhood. to learn from people who are different than me. to learn to see them as Yahweh sees them. and to hope and pray that our community will serve as a beautiful picture of the kingdom of God. i want Third Way to become a people among whom there is no war, no injustice, inequality, prejudice, or poverty. we want to be the joyful, peaceful family of Yahweh.

we have much work to do as a community still. we are a baby! we are still learning the essentials. how to not fight for our way when we encounter conflict, how to listen to God and each other, how to consider others before ourselves. learning what it means to care for the earth and our global neighbors. and how to care for and be in relationship with our immediate neighbors. please join me in prayer for these things, and hope for the future--that Yahweh will continue making us into the people they had in mind when they first dreamed about the earth.

deeper

2008-10-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

every so often, i realize that this house feels more like home than it did before. i am pleased that this keeps happening! you know how in the house you grew up in, you can find your way in the dark? and everything looks familiar though things aren't clearly defined by moonlight? i caught myself feeling that way tonight.

this afternoon i went to the cathedral. it's supposed to be one of the biggest and most beautiful in the country. who knew? right in my own city! it is beautiful. the ceiling is expansive. i kept marveling the height and intricacies of the ceiling. how could they build something like that? modern architecture doesn't ever seem to be that breath-taking.

i sat quietly in a pew towards the back. confession was taking place in some booths on the sides of the sanctuary. and eucharistic adoration was taking place all over the building! eucharistic adoration is an actual act. people sign up for time slots and everything. i think the hope is for every hour to be filled.

at one point i opened my eyes and looked up. i was struck by the thought that every person there was praying to God, just like i was. were all those people spiritual seekers? do we all have the same understanding of Jesus? i was comforted knowing there is a people who for years have been figuring out what it means to follow Jesus. i am not writing a new book or patenting the wheel. there are resources and people i can look to for guidance and direction.

as i prayed, one man came and knelt before the altar. he sang a chant, and some people from the pews joined him. that was thrilling. the room is echoey, so the song sounded mystical and very spiritual. again, breath-taking.

there were times i felt too weak to speak, so i listened. everyone there was trying to listen. silence was the rule. i felt God teaching me that life is about relationships. the way i demonstrate my love for God is by loving those around me. i felt reminded that God does love me and i can show that same kind of love to my fellow humans, especially those with whom i am in close relationship. this is the most important thing. the way i show faithfulness to Christ is by loving my brothers and sisters.

i want to do this with all the strength i have. i want my heart to become as big and strong and courageous as it possibly can be. i want to choose to love when i am hurt. i want to be filled with compassion and take extra steps to show people how they are loved -- how i love them.

not a passive love, but an active one. i want to live a lifestyle of intentional blessing.

new territory

2008-09-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm becoming a different person.

i realized my writing habits really dropped off after i moved into the Hamline House! that's the name for our community house. we're on the corner of thomas and hamline, for those of you who know saint paul.

it's been a pretty crazy summer. one dude already has moved out. i'm learning a ton about how to lead and about friendships and relationships in general. i'm really happy, though situations here are often challenging. we continue to struggle with the question of how to be a community. how much of our lives, possessions, and time do we share with each other? and we're still looking for ways to bless our neighborhood.

work is busier and better than ever. my job changed a little bit this summer. instead of focusing on the creative arts and service planning, it's my role to develop and deepen relationships with various non-profits around the twin cities. also, i think i will get to plan some of the trips we go on this summer.

i think i'm becoming more patient and understanding of people. i'm learning how to enjoy relationship with other humans. i'm learning how to speak my mind! that is often a struggle for me. i don't have much confidence in my words or in any ability to competently express myself.

danny and i decided tonight to have regular prayer time--at 6 in the morning, monday-friday. we want to become more disciplined in our spiritual lives and encourage those in our home to do the same. danny was just talking to me today about being intentional with all of our time, with each day. there are several different ministries we are pouring ourselves into, and we need to be somewhat structured with our time in order to maintain the life that we are able to bring to other people.

we've made some changes in resonate, and my boss is a little pessimistic about it all. in all honesty, it doesn't seem like many in America are spiritually searching. housegroups and our central teaching are both set up for those who have ears to hear and eyes to see. that's how the kingdom is. we want to stop being a service and start being the church. we want to be a community of people who embody an alternative lifestyle and invite others to join us in that. we want to be calling people out of other nations and into the kingdom without borders (thank you, jon foreman!)

i have some hesitations myself. i'm not sure how everything with resonate will turn out. what if no one comes? how can we remain faithful without a community around us? that's dramatic, huh? : )

i'm nervous for how this year will turn out. will we ever really get involved in our neighborhoods? will our relationships with each other become deep and meaningful? can we move past the programmed stuff to become an authentic community, with meaningful and organic gatherings?

check out this church... i want us to be like them. mennonite and new monastic. what better combination? they're doing some really cool stuff. i can't believe this all happens less than 5 miles from my home.

and pray for us! that as a community we are becoming people who invite others into the ways of God--a life of prayer, hospitality, simplicity, peacemaking, sacrificial love, and faithfulness in waiting for Jesus to come back and establish the shalom society that characterizes God's kingdom.

deprivation

2008-05-24T15:33:00.001-07:00

there are periods i go through in which i realize that i haven't listened to my father in so long! during these times i feel deprived of the father's love. i feel deprived of love and attention in general. really, though, the fact is that i haven't taken time to hear the father's love for me.

sometimes sitting silently with God sounds like the most boring thing in the world. so i check my facebook, hoping to find something fascinating in someone else's life with which to occupy my thoughts, or i write a blog post (!) hoping that i will somehow procure an earth-shattering message that i can feel confident writing about. i'm always wanting to be important to people.

i think the truth is, though, that i'm important to God. i'm important as the bride! and my role here on earth is to wait and be faithful. really, the measure of a day is whether or not i connected with God. whether or not the depth of our relationship progressed, and whether or not i learned more about how to love the people around me.

this is not earth shattering and it is not thrilling or adventurous. it is painful and requires patience. it feels mundane at times and it asks a lot without immediate return. i guess that's what faithfulness is.

exciting times we are living in, folks. exciting times.

To Be a Bride

2008-05-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend i went up to Duluth with some friends from Resonate. we met with a pastor that Grant and Danielle knew from their time at school in Duluth. Chuck taught us about the first monastic people and also talked about prayer and the inner spiritual life.

on Saturday night, we spent time together in prayer and worship and i started crying.

i didn't expect that!

i was thinking about how i often feel a lack of love in my life and if Jesus is supposed to be full of love... well where the heck is he?! God immediately brought to mind the metaphor of being Jesus' bride.

according to the Jewish marriage traditions in Jesus' time, a groom and bride would committ their lives to each other and then the husband would go off to add a room onto his father's house so that he and his wife could live there. at the point we're at in the history of Jesus' relationship with his bride, it seems like we are waiting for Jesus to come back from building us a home! so, to answer my question... that's where he's at.

which means that i am waiting. we are all waiting for our husband. and it's hard! one day, though, Jesus is going to come back. and at that time, there will be so much joy... all of this pain and grief will seem like it only lasted a second. there will be a joy I can't even imagine right now, and it will make obsolete all of the difficulty and present separation from God that my heart feels time and time again.

there's gonna be a big party. a huge celebration at that point! it will be a celebration full of rejoicing in love. it will include all of the people who are being left out, forgotten, abandoned, oppressed in our present time.

i want to be included in that. i want to be Jesus' faithful bride, waiting and watching for him to come back. looking at him to fill this desire in me for love. because he can and he wants to do that.

this is the hope we have, this joyful celebration that will one day include all of those who are part of Jesus' body the church, and all those whom we are instructed (as Jesus' body) to care for. this is our reason for joy. our hope is this: the most beautiful, joyous wedding ceremony that will ever be. it will take place between God and his people.

Jesus, come back soon.

love for enemies

2008-05-06T19:53:00.001-07:00

well i think i am understanding a little of what Jesus meant when he asked us to do that.

tonight my mom had to take a shower and i wanted to brush my teeth. i was entering the bathroom as she cried out her need to get in the shower. i told her my need to brush my teeth and asked if she could wait. she said no. i said why not? she responded with "because i bought the house." which immediately made me mad! what a yucky, smelly attitude. so i got pissed and said "way to be a servant mom." to which she replied "yeah. way for you to be a servant." which pissed me off even more!!

i realized that no matter what comeback i came up with, she could use it right back on me, because none of us are perfect. we are all hypocritical. and if i want to teach my mom to be a servant, i need to act like one and show her how. otherwise she'll only get defensive. but how do i do that when all i want to do is say something that really hurts her?

how do i serve my enemy?

i make up all these excuses in my head about how she's my mom and she's supposed to lead me--so she should be the servant. and that i'm too close to the situation to see my mom objectively and choose to love her. i wonder if these are at all legitimate.

i know that Jesus was very close to the human situation and yet he chose to love all kinds of people. and also that he never waited to be served, but chose instead to be a servant.

i wonder how the dynamics of me moving out will play into this situation. will i ever be able to enter the Kingdom of God if i can't love my mom? isn't the Kingdom all about learning to love those people that irritate us and agitate our spirits the most?

what's the cure for this? how do i obtain it?

LORD, help me.

speaking and listening

2008-04-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

last night at our young adult service, seth our youth pastor talked about words. he talked about how the Bible is full of written words that lead us to the living word. that the Bible itself (made from ink and really thin wood) isn't of much use without the Holy Spirit who guides us to truth... to Jesus.

seth talked a bit about the meaningfulness of words and it really got me thinking! i love to write and i love words and languages and wordplay. there's nothing more exciting to me than someone who can create pictures in my mind with their words.

all that said, i am not exceptionally crafty when it comes to language. sometimes when i'm speaking... i lose confidence. my mind gets jumbled up in different thoughts. it's like i'm trying to make a point, but then i start thinking about something else and my hard drive freezes up.

i've struggled a lot with wanting to have good ideas that impress. wanting to shock my co-workers with an eloquence of thought that could only come from a truly accomplished college student. unfortunately THAT'S NOT ME! sometimes, i say stupid stuff.

i remind myself of moses. God told moses he needed to be a leader and moses argued. he argued with God! what a dumbwad...

and God told him he needed to do it anyway and then God gave moses a partner--maybe someone who could speak well. because of moses' trust that God would lead through him, the people of israel were set free.

i think i can very well imagine moses' apprehension as he appeared before Pharoah, knowing that he needed to make a hefty request, the realization of which was not likely! perhaps moses was no persuader... but it seems like he learned when to listen and when to speak the words that God gave him. maybe that's part of why we call moses a prophet. he was willing to deliver God's message--to expose the current reality for what it was and sacrifice his security to usher in a new reality, furthering God's dream for this world.

it seems like all of Jesus' actions were directed by his Father. like he didn't choose what he wanted for himself. he prayed "I will do whatever you ask." if that's not submission, i don't know what is! perhaps also the words and actions i choose shouldn't be the ones that naturally come to me, but the ones that come from the Father. i wonder though--how hard is it to have spiritual ears always listening to the Holy Spirit? how hard is it to push away what i want to say (maybe push away the desire to speak entirely) and instead listen? i need to learn how to submit my mouth and my mind to a truth that leads me to Jesus.

may this large round hole in my face become a tool for proclaiming God's kingdom and for speaking words of life that i hear from the Father.

journal for the modern girl

2008-04-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

well i'm beginning to think that you can expect a new post about as often as i write in my journal. probably several times a day...

i was reflecting briefly this evening and i think see some sort of theme emerging from my life... i'm a pioneer! no--not the laura-ingalls-wilder-dress-wearing kind. but a person who creates new things. there is nothing more motivating for me than a new idea. routine and standard protocol drive me crazy; they make me itch for something fresh. that's what this missional home is. that's what Resonate has been--something fresh.

but how hard is it to maintain a state of freshness? eventually we get bored, right? it seems i am always needing to learn new things about God. which is great! and hard. harder than i'd like to admit. what does it take to listen to God everyday? i know i don't do that! how much patience does it require to hear what God is speaking to me every single day?

one hope i have for our home is that it will allow much time for me to discover answers to some of these questions.

revisited

2008-04-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

so... we went to look at that apartment this afternoon!

immediately we started crawling all over the place, checking things out. as i went from room to room i could feel the excitement begin to bubble up inside me. i felt like i couldn't talk without my voice shaking from trying to contain all of that emotion!

there are 4 bedrooms, a large family room with a FIREPLACE, one small bathroom, a library/study, a sunroom, and a kitchen. there's laundry in the basement. best part about the sunroom is that the windows open onto a stretch of roof. can you say rain garden?!

danny said today that it feels like God is giving us this place. that may be true. though it's no done deal, it seems like things are falling into place.

i feel like i'm about to step into one of the hardest and most exciting times of my life. hopefully a period marked by profound growth.

i can't wait to start living this way!

intentional community

2008-04-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

i'm far too excited to stay in bed this morning. it's 8am on saturday, and let me tell you... that is early for an 18 year old.

yesterday afternoon, my friend danny and i went home-shopping! we're looking at locations for the intentional community we've been dreaming of. mostly we looked in the Frogtown and Hamline-Midway neighborhoods. a few houses were denied us, and a few houses were denied by us. however, we found a seemingly promising 5-bedroom apartment above a small pizza kitchen on the corner of Thomas and Hamline Avenues. we're going to look at it later this afternoon!

the challenge now in establishing a community like this is finding people who will commit to us. if you're reading this, and you're exploring intentional community, call me right now! (763)670-2919!!!!!!

i had a dream this morning that i was at some youth event over in wisconsin for my work and i looked at my phone and it was 4pm. i had missed the apartment appointment! what a tragedy :)

can i get a hey about this weather? 70 degrees last Thursday... snowing today.

crazy minnesota!